Gift giving

Disclaimer: I am not involved with a lady who fits any of these descriptions

It’s the season of gift giving and one of my regular readers has asked me to clear up some gift giving queries:
1) Does length of time dating determine a. gift and b. type/amount?
2) Does the extra-marital partner get a gift?
3) Does the “it’s not the gift but the thought” line actually hold true?
These are all very tricky questions to answer and can be summed up by saying it all depends on the persons involved. When it comes to some women and relationships what she opens under the tree may determine what she opens under the sheets.

There are those amongst us who treat relationships like a job. You give to get. You give intimacy, time, food, money etc in return for those same items. These people treat birthdays and Christmas like they’ve just been awarded a year end company bonus. As with bonus there are some employees who may not have been with the company long enough to have passed the probationary period but to exempt these from getting a gift might offend some and others it might not offend. However to give a bonus to these employees is tricky because then you must determine how much is an adequate amount. A bad end of year bonus can make people also look for other employment because they feel unappreciated or want better rewards plans.

Now there are also some people who treat their relationships like a ball team and have starters and bench players. The error some make is they get the roles mixed up and give the bench more playing time than starters. If you give a role player more playing time and a higher salary/playing bonus they will start to think they are starters/stars. Bench players should only receive bonuses if it is to keep them on the team. The gift of me allowing you to back up my star should be enough for you.

Now the last thing we have to touch is the whole “it’s not the gift but the thought” misconception. “What a lady opens under the tree determines what she opens under the sheets.” Give a cheap thought and it may become easier to break into Fort Knox that it is to get into her underwear. In fact NO ONE likes a cheap gift unless they know the person is a broke student or an unemployed parent.

Gift giving is all about the giver, the receiver and the amount. So give the wrong person a cheap gift and you’ll be spending all the alone time with porn sites and a handful of yourself.

Row ya boat

Gentlemen I am here to help some of you out. There is an age old debate about the size of your ego and the ability it has to elevate and sustain a female’s ecstasy level. I happened today to walk in on a conversation with some female co-workers and sorry to say it brothers but size does matter. Be you fat or be you thin, there must be some girth attached to this. So it seems that that old saying about the motion in the ocean is a lie thought up by someone who wasn’t up to par.

At this point I want to thank my parents for good genetic encoding and making me above average. However, it seems that there are some males who life has given the extreme short end of the stick to and these gentlemen have unredeemable short comings. The conversation by the females was so passionate that I had to enquire about certain aspects. Suppose my oratorical ability could make you reenact the exorcism from the movie the Exorcist, I enquired. I was met with a stiff “still don’t mean a thing if you under 5”.”

Females are known to happily pass on stories about males who fall short in the bedroom. They apparently know a lot of gym men who seem to make up for short comings there by trying to be big in other areas. This is what Katt Williams refered to as “Tricking a B….” my research has discovered that no matter how big your arms are, no matter how long you last, if you show up with 3” that is how many minutes it will take for all her friends to know that you “aren’t cutting it.”

So now those of you who fall short are wondering how to get up to par. There are only 2 real solutions. Find a virgin and hope she never ever horns you or be filthy rich so that a woman sees pass your other issues. No amount of eating, no amount of waist action and no amount of hand playing can help. In fact some if your hands are better than your ego in size then you might be in trouble. There is 1 other alternative that exist but that involves the use of extra battery powered tools. This use again over shadows your manliness and she might want to reverse the roles so this option is strictly forbidden.

In closing just remember that no matter how good a canoeist you may be, you cannot battle a storm in the open sea.

More Equal Than You Think

This is the era of sexual equality. Many roles once done solely by males are being done and in some cases dominated by females. The same is also true for males doing female roles. More single parent homes are popping up where the father is the only one present. More females are running corporations as opposed to the kitchen. The extent of the role sharing is however not fully accepted and appreciated by society as is exhibited by the shock and dismay females still exhibit when they find out that one of the things they call solely their own is not. I’m here today to tell you that it’s true. Men do fake it too.

I can hear the shock, disbelief and snickers from the audience as this thought alone is blasphemous. There is no way for a man to fake it! You would know and you would see. I’m here to tell you that a man can fake it. I faked it for half of a relationship. Why would you fake it? Well for me I liked her a lot and I was more concerned with her fulfillment than mine (yes ladies there are guys like me out here but you all prefer the other type). When we were intimate and she received her conclusion and I tired of the repetition I would simulate muscle convulsion, fake the face, roll over and remove the contraceptives. She would be happy that her man was happy and I could go shower or brace for round 2 or oral and use this to reach the finish line.

How could she not tell? I can hear my female readers wondering this and trying to figure out how they can tell if the wool is being pulled over their eyes as well. It is simple you can’t unless you volunteer to remove the condom for him. Either that or have unprotected sex. If you do figure out that your man is doing this then you shouldn’t be too shame. You should confront him and make an effort to improve your skills and technique. He may be doing it out of pure love for you as he seeks to keep you happy and not have sex damage your relationship. Either that or he’s cheating on you so by the time he gets home he doesn’t have any juice left to give you.

To the guys if you are afraid of being caught faking there are easy ways to do it. Never let her touch the condom is the first. Don’t cheat is the second. The one that may work for most is remove her from the sex. Silently, cause saying names would get you killed, have sex with her whilst making love to another. This may sound a bit confusing but it’s quite simple. Whilst making love to her imagine Halle, Rihanna, the girl who works next to you or that girl you could never get at school. The final technique is take it to porn levels and just do what you must to get there.

So in this day in age it is clear to see that the only difference between males and females or the prefixes “wo” and”fe” as one poet so aptly stated.

Females hurt relationships

For many eons people have sought to figure out how to make relationships work. Women want to know why the man never lives up to his end of the bargain and men want to know why women are so demanding. I have discovered the secret to making love work and the simplicity of it is sure to blow your mind. Women can only prosper in relationships free from outside female pressures. For love to work women need to not listen to the scourge known as “female friends” and the relationship fungus know as “mothers.”

Female friends have been destroying relationships for all of history. Many relationships are ruined by the “you let him do what?” or the ”my man could never do something like that.” These lines put doubts into a woman’s mind and from there she looks to break the nice working routine her significant other and herself have developed and mastered. Females then forget that she was entirely happy and go with the mental virus “she must be right” or “she has a point” and starts to demand more and this may lead to male stress and relationship deterioration.

The demand for more also comes about when a female friend has a boyfriend who spends more money or more time with them than the female is apparently getting. The female may be entirely happy with what she is getting in both these departments and understands why her man may be justified in coming up short in either category however, external female pressure makes all logic in this category go out the window. The insistence of infidelity being the cause of lack of time may also arise in these circumstances. Mothers are the experts in this category and can make being 5 minutes late seem like he took a weekend get away with a lover.

Mothers have also been an issue by trying to right the wrongs of their youth by selecting the suitable males for their daughters. this is usually done based on the mother's own taste and not her daughter's preferences.If the daughter chooses to go against the mother’s wishes she is then faced with many actions to undermine the relationship. Any short comings are met with a “you were better off with” or a “you don’t know what’s good for you.” These actions similar to and sometimes in conjunction with the actions of female friends lead to further male stress as once more the female feels compelled to push for more even if she doesn’t need it.

Female friends and mothers are like a really bad workers’ union. They mask their nuisance type behavior behind the guise of caring and seeking to protect the female’s best interest. Females who are capable of ignoring external female pressures are usually the ones who are in prospering long term relationships. The ones who rely too much on the opinions of their close female parties end up alone in a bar on Friday night looking for love whilst these females are at home cuddling with subpar boyfriends but are happy and not lonely.

Never Admit To Cheating

Yesterday on a local call in program the scenario was this: a married man who was involved in an affair is considering ending the affair and telling his wife. I will say this and this will summarize everything I will further expound on in this blog. If he tells her then he either has the biggest balls on earth or he is a damn fool. Women go through periods; give birth to our children and are capable of accomplishing anything except forgiveness and forgetting.

Firstly he is probably deluding himself that his woman doesn’t know that he has been cheating. It is well known that at some point if you are engaged in a long term infidelity that your woman will find out or has known from the start. Women will stay with you during your infidelity if she can benefit from you. So if you are contributing towards her upkeep or for the well being of the kidsa woman will pretend like she doesn't know that something is up. Women are also the best detectives alive. All the unsolved mysteries in the world can be solved with the right team of females. So trust me gentlemen, unless your women is a total fool she knows that you’re doing wrong things. I’ve heard of how a woman discovered her man was cheating because his ejaculations fell below the normal level meaning he was ejaculating elsewhere. This shows that the likelihood of you cheating and her not knowing is slim to none.

The key point however is not just their detective skills. It’s their inability to ever forgive and forget. She will say she does and she will appear like she does and she will even treat you just as good as or better than before she found out about the infidelity. However, do note that you will be unable to tell her about any wrong doings she does for the rest of your physical lives together. 25 years later she would still tell you about “that nasty stinking woman you dealt with.” She will remind you about all the pain you made her feel during your infidelity.

As an extension of this point you will also be at her mercy. You will not be allowed to step out of line at any point in time. Your schedule will be strictly regimented and monitored. This is due to the fact that the trust is now gone and anything out of the norm will be a sign that you are back to your old tricks. If you are 5 minutes late getting home, if you are more tired than usual one night, if heaven forbids you have an occurrence of premature ejaculation, then you will be found guilty without a trial of being promiscuous.

Now I’m not encouraging you to cheat on your mate because like I stated before she will discover the crime. What I am stating is if you think you are getting away with it tell your conscience to suck out and keep your mouth shut. The only time you should admit infidelity is if a child or an STD is involved.

Ego vs Pride

I had a conversation with a friend who was having so relationship issues. To sum it up she had a good boyfriend but she still likes her ex and they had drifted closer in recent times and she was tempted to switch back. She however decided to stick with her current but the shocking move was she told him how she felt and that they have work to do to save the relationship. She then said to me that if he had told her these things she would have dumped him and that’s where our blog begins today.

How is this even fair? Then it hit me, in the world where the prefixes wo and fe come into play fair is not a term that hold any sort of merit. A man works 2 jobs to help support his household, he’s tired and stretched and doesn’t give his lady the attention she needs and she looks outside for comfort and in the world of wo and fe he will be to blame for neglecting her. Let the roles be reversed and the man will be at fault because he should have supported her as she tried to make it and not let sex rule him. For the man he would take the blame because he couldn’t fight his urges. Women don’t argue with me on this point because I am a man and I know how we think, you don’t.

Despite all the advancements in equality men are now victimized by what I like to call “Never The Victim” syndrome which coupled with women’s “I’m Always The Victim” gene makes it impossible for us to be right even when we’re right. Men are by default careless, promiscuous and wrong. Women being the fairer sex would only wrong a man when provoked. Men wrong women by default. It’s this subconscious mind set that has a lot of good men being wronged. I myself have been told I made a girl leave me because I was just too good to be true and something must be wrong with me. When we find girls who seem close to being this way we seek to hold them as tightly as possible, sometimes too tightly but that’s a topic for another blog.

I am in no way excusing men from any freedom of blame because I’m willing to admit in some cases we are to blame. I’m however going to summarize my point in two words: ego and pride. A man is driven by his ego. He must be the best and he cannot understand the concept of not good enough or failure. If his woman wronged him even if it 125 ¼% her fault he will always wonder what he could have done better. Women are driven by pride. Their pride is so big it can make our egos as males seem miniscule. They will refuse to accept the fact that they may have short comings and as such 99.99% of all errors are the man’s fault: he either did it or made her do it.

So to my male readers just know that whatever happens you’re wrong. Once we as males understand this we can live much longer lives. We will save tones of energy fighting cases where the judge is the jury and she is also the executioner and the sentence was passed before the verdict and that was handed out before you began your defense.

Closets are for clothes

Disclaimer: the following situations are fictional but serve to highlight the issue

Alice’s family weeps uncontrollably. Under the age of 30 with so much going for her and yet now they must bury her. ALice has committed suicide. The reason she has is the man of her dreams who she met at church and was so gentlemanly and perfect turned out to like the same things she did: good quiet music, Italian food and men. The shock of finding out that he was unfaithful hurt but the catching of Alan with another man pushed her off the edge and she lost the drive to live and eventually suicide followed.

The above scenario may have been made up but the situations and underlying factors are around us every day. People ashamed of whom they are and make up alter egos to hide themselves from the public. Lisa ashamed of being poor has her friends drop her off at the top of a neighbouring gap and walks through the back to her house. David lies and steals to have the money to associate with his wealthier friends.

If you have to hide who you are to be accepted by others then you are in a sad state and these people aren’t your friends. True friends will accept you for what you are. They know your flaws and know how to maneuver around them so as not to strangle you. Hiding who you are also shows a lack of pride and love in yourself. Accept who you are and love yourself and this will ensure that the right people love you in your life.

If you have to change to be loved then you need to change who you seek love from. I'm loud at times, slightly cocky and i have a smart mouth and it can get me in trouble but after changing who I was to fit in I know to be me and my space will open. Do you know who your friends are?

Women are better at this 1

Disclaimer: if you are female and easily offended or considered a feminist then just don't read this

It is well believed in Caribbean society that the males of the region are what we call wutless. What I would like to put fo4ward today is that yes there are wutless males but these males are facilitated by females and secondly women are also wutless and are even more skilled at in that men. In short the majority of wutlessness in the Caribbean is the fault of the female. I’m not calling all females wutless so take your knickers out your butt cracks. What I’m saying is that females have perfected it and in some cases encourage it.

If I go to a party and from the get go I can tell that girl “A” likes me but I have a girlfriend the scenario can play out in several ways. If I tell her I have a girlfriend she may still allow me to get close to either try to replace current girlfriend or to satisfy her basic sexual needs. She would happily go along with the outside roll for sometime too once her needs are being met. However if I fail to mention to this lady that I have a girlfriend and she later on finds out, you can be more than certain that the devil himself will be in shock and awe at the hatred and rage that she exhibits towards me after she finds out.

This you can be wutless as long as you are honest with me mentality can be seen in the cases of men that are renowned as being wutless but yet many are all willing and eager to sleep with him. This facilitates the wutlessness of the males for without willing females it is impossible to have many partners.

The other aspect of wutlessness is the reasoning behind it and this is where the female species have out shone the males again. Men are wutless just because we can be. For us the majority of the time it’s just for physical pleasures and is a case of the more the merrier. Most wutless females are wutless with a meaning. They have learnt the basic secret of human interaction and negotiations: “sex rules.” So where as wutless males just like to toss their semen around; wutless women have learnt how to use their vaginas for personal gain. If you want to see what is below the waist you must bring forth some finances. In some circumstances as with the case of NATO the mere promise of the lower treats serve these ladies well.

However unlike males most females who are this way do their activities in secret. Males due to ego flaunt their wutlessness for the praises of their peers. Females who are wutless generally do it for the advancement of their financial and socioeconomic factors. A female can attend acquire a plane ticket, accommodations and spending money without pulling her pocket. The males due to their wutlessness are usually the ones spending the money to acquire their sexual gains.

In these instances it is clear that wutless males fail in comparison to wutless females. They have perfected the art. It can also be seen that due to the socioeconomic factors that female wutlessness can be better justified whilst male wutless behavior is just puerile and adolescent. However if women keep their legs closed then most males will continue to support them but be unable to be the “studs” they seek to be with their wutlessness.

Pop-Ya Bubble burse

So I’m on a bubble about talking about today’s topic . It’s been all over the news and seems ironic that after Rihanna killed it on Friday that her song was prophetically sung less than 24 hours after. It’s just disturbing that with all the crime recently that a pageant’s winner’s burst bubble takes over so much of the news coverage. What’s also disturbing is how catty Christians and lovable persons alike seem to be over the apparent signs of the collapse. These aspects of the case I will keep my mouth sealed like it was covered with duct tape on but the other aspects are what disturb me.

Nobody is asking why Kartel and Movado were barred for controversial lyrics and a show of this nature was given a stamp of approval despite “controversial lifestyles.” In a society that claims to be founded on heavy religious beliefs and with a church on every corner why is it that we have become so accepting of certain elements in our society. Now I’m not judging anyone on their lifestyle because The Good Father above knows I’ve got a few less than morally acceptable things to answer to but I just confused as to what we teaching the next generation.

Nobody care about the fact that pageants even in the alternative lifestyle arena seem to make the “girls” go to all ends to fit into the socially acceptable norms of what a lady supposed to look like. The emotional affects of pageants are not as important however as keeping a tape over the dirty belly of the pageant and modeling world. Maybe that’s why we wanted to ban Black Swan.

The gays care that the Christians are attacking them. The Christians care that God is showing us a sign. The newspapers care that such an article will sell. The girls care that their men secretly might be friends with bubbles. The men care that bubbles and company are getting better at looking like girls. No one cares that a human died. I myself don’t really care except that I’m tired hearing a dead person be the butt of these jokes.

Pointless murders, robbery, police being shot at and the utilities collecting large amount of reconnection fees because all the money was spent on Crop Over and Rihanna. $500 for a ticket, $300 for a dress, $200 for a hairstyle and $100 for nails just means that a lot of children going school next year with last year’s uniform but no one really care. The major talking point is the death of Bubbles.

Sniff Sniff

I want to start today’s very brief and short post with a short story. The names have been altered to protect the innocent but the situation is very real and very frequently occurring: “Something smells funny” stated young Nala, but no matter how she searched for the smell she couldn’t quite locate it. The smell seemed to follow Nala everywhere she went until it became normal to her and she no longer smelt it. The smell however was clear to all those around her. The smell of corporate B.S. orally ingested through repetitive butt-kissing.

They say do what you must to get ahead in life. Machiavelli is accredited with the concept of “The Ends Justify The Means.” However what does a man really stand for if he bends over to the whims and fancies of another person just to get ahead? He who tries to get ahead in this way may or may not succeed and whilst their attempts are to be lovable by some, they may come across as just full of bull to others.

News carriers such as the Nation, Barbados Advocate and Barbados Today also have problems with the likes of Nala as they leave nothing to the unknown. Their tendency to report, distort and exaggerate reports to gain favor in management’s concubine ranking makes the news reporting skills of CNN seem like you were reading the Investigator.

To each their own I always say so I shouldn’t be bother with the tactics of those who prefer lips to cheeks work that knuckles in the dirt work to get to the top. However it suits me better to not be surrounded with the stench of feces causing me to be alienated from my peers. So whilst I prefer to place my lips on those of a suitable and sexy female’s mouth, others prefer to place on the cheeks of anyone who is in a high position.

No Action Transport Only

I want to take this moment to give a big shout out to the kindest gentlemen there are out there. The brothers of the benevolent group we shall refer to as NATO. These gentlemen make sure that ladies get where there are going safely and free of cost. In an era where it is expected that some form of payment be it monetary, oral or private be given in return for transportation services, it is good that these gentlemen take the time to drop whatever there are doing to transport the beautiful ladies of the world around.

Very few males intentionally sign up for NATO. Member got in to the agreement with hopes of the A in NATO being a positive. However as time wore on the N joined the A and the agreement gets an O as it becomes contractual. There are even situations where the members of NATO would forego getting some A in their life and rushing off to ensure that our beautiful ladies get to their destination.

NATO officers cover a wide range of duties. These vary from the delivery of food to the transportation to food; taking to and from fetes without staying in some cases; transportation to and from work and in extreme situations the taking of females to receive A from their significant others or buddies. These duties are very key to the lives of females and so we can see why NATO members are so key.

Many people cry down the members of NATO and look to make fun of them for their benevolence but who are we to judge? Even in these times where gas prices are skyrocketing these gentlemen are happily traversing long miles to ensure that females are safe in their travels. The only detriment of NATO members is their potential to be psycho stalkers. This is usually the case with those who fail to realize that they are members of NATO and when the A is given to other people they get bitter, upset and murderous.

So I’d like to take the time to give the NATO force a thank you award for their duties instead of the other crying downs that they receive. Females need to know that they can get around safely in these times where gas and crime rates are rising rapidly. Also those males who live far from their females and don’t have transportation are happy that they can have their significant others delivered to them safely. So let’s all raise our cups for the members of NATO.

Red Means Stop

Before I wrote this blog I was hoping I could find a Barbados Road Traffic Rules and Regulations book to be sure I hadn’t been taught the wrong when I did my regulations test. I always thought and assumed that when you came to a red light that you stopped. However I am hearing these days that this is a conditional situation. Apparently it is ok to run a red light if you are familiar with the junction that you are at.

There is a school of thought that if you need to be somewhere in a hurry that it might be ok to run the junction. When the lights are red apparently the junction is invitingly ready for you to fly through. The added dangers add an air of excitement that make the driving experience even better and more fun. It is truly a mind-blowing experience for the dare devil in us all.

For some reason this logic doesn’t sit well with what I learnt. I envision a scene straight from E.R. with blood all over the place as a result of running such red light. Then to be ostracized by society for such reckless driving seems not worth the waiting 4-7 seconds for the light to change. The only time that I can see me running a red light are those very rare situations when you are in a hurry and you reach the light on amber.

You’ve travelled on average 28 miles. Some miles will be better than others and some will not be so why not use these few seconds to relax and prepare for the next 28 miles? Some drivers have also adopted the basis of being able to read the lights at their usual junction and having a side route to get keep them constantly rolling. This generally gains them a few extra miles but severe accidents have been known to occur when routes cross.

My advice to all the drivers out there is simply to enjoy the 28 miles and take a rest for this few seconds the lights are on red. Green go, amber slow and red means stop.

Letting A Secret Out

Does your man love you? a lot of you who just said yes are mistaken and I will explain below:

So today I was asked if I could have sex with an ugly female and my answer led to this blog. Firstly to answer the question the answer is yes I can have sex with an ugly lady. Any man that says he can’t is a liar. The question that needs to be asked is would you have sex with an ugly lady. The reason that the answer is yes for all males is that we have a genetic defect that allows us to put less importance on looks for sexual arousal. The fact that we can be aroused when we don’t want to is the cause of a lot of harm for some men. In the right pair of underwear merely lapping your legs can cause you to stand at attention.

That in its most basic of senses is how women can tell when we love you and don’t love having sex with you. By default a man is 75% horny, so to get him ready for action is a small task. If your man is willing to talk to you on the phone for long periods of time then yes he loves you. If he invites you over even when it is that time of month or if he cuddles and talks to you when on red and he doesn’t mind then yes he loves you (oh we know when your period is due better than you after the 1st few months together when we care, it’s self preservation at its best).

So ladies if you realize that boy’s night is always period time then your man is in it for the sauce and not you. if he doesn’t like the phone etc so conversations are usually in person and end up with some form of sex cause you’re too irresistible then you just s steady booty call. If he pauses call of duty to have sex with you then he likes having sex with you. If he stops totally then he loves you.
To put it simply a man finds time for those things he loves. Be it sports, food or a lady. if it is you he loves he’ll find time for you. if it’s the sex then he’ll find time for that.

Stop Forwarding Nonsense

This blog will not be as humour filled as previous ones but it’s an issue that I need to vent about. Anyone with an email address, a Facebook or access to a rumour mill has probably seen or heard of lists that reveal lesbians, gays, bisexuals, STD carriers and now “scabbicals. These lists are taken as almost gospel and forever anyone on the list is exposed and branded for life or at least until the next such list comes out to distract the silly minds that abound.

I doubt most if any of you would remember or even know this story but it is one of the reasons why I get annoyed and frustrated when people forward stuff without care. Somewhere around 2003/2004 I came home from UWI to hear that someone had called my home and my mother answered to be greeted by the words “is this where that bulling boy Bovell lives?” Imagine the annoyance and disturbance caused to both family and person by such a claim. This was a result of an email coming out that exposed a member of UWI’s volleyball team as an undercover faggot. The email then listed all of us who played and/or limed with the team mate at that time as faggots too and a variation of this email appeared with numbers attached. Was the gentleman in question gay? I do not know. I can however state for a fact that I never was and currently aren’t and have very little likelihood of being on a future date gay.

Luckily for me my name was a minor addition to the intent of the email to attack one person. I however know people who personally were attacked with pictures edited to suit the purpose of the attackers’ intent. My hotmail box received those emails multiple times a day with the request that we forward them. There are females out there who may in a state of love or young euphoric giddy headedness sent pictures to a male or allowed those pictures to be taken. The pictures somehow got out and we hurriedly forwarded them to everyone with the title showing the person’s name, address and even place of employment. These ladies did something millions and millions of females do daily for their lovers. Only difference is for some they let it be recorded and it got made public. Many of you reading this probably have sent or taken such pictures and the only difference is yours have not made it to the public eye.

Over the last few days I have received 2 forwards with list of “pretty boys” who are supposedly pretending to be straight and some even list promiscuous lives with females but are closet homosexuals. I will admit that scanning through the list my mind processed some of the well known names and I immediately thought to myself that I always suspected him as being such but I will not forward it as requested. What a man chooses to do with his life is his own decision and it is not up to me to decide if his carefully guarded secret should be made known.

The old adage we shouldn’t throw stones when we live in glasshouses rings true to me always because all of us have some aspect of our personality and character that even if it is suspected we wouldn’t want being forward to the world. How would you like for that immature moment from your childhood to come back and affect your work or personal lives? Yet we get these forwards and send them on with no regards for the fact that these people have lives and that we may negatively be affecting them when we send these forwards.

I’d prefer no one send me these emails or broadcast but realistically I know at some point I will get them. I can only hope that someday people will do what I do when I get them and that is to hit the delete button after I’ve insured that my name nor that of a love one appears on it.

Facebook Giving Soldiers The Blues

The husband rolls over and sucks his teeth violently because he cannot believe that his once loving wife gave up on the opportunity for a night of consummation to feed her ever growing addiction. In a matter of minutes the affect of the horny goat weed and lil blue pill would be gone and his soldier would be as dead as how his sex life had become when his wife became a victim of the relationship crippling drug known as social networking. Maybe he should have tweeted to his wife that the drugs were fading but he doubts that she would have left Facebook to come romp with him seeing as though Farmville required her to harvest her crops.

In the past the major worry in the work and personal worlds were the affects of addiction to illegal drugs or maybe gambling to relationships on the professional and personal scale. Now the major vampire that is sucking the life out of it is the plague known as Social Networking. Instead of working at their desk employers have to worry about who is checking out pictures from the latest fetes. Husbands and wives have to worry about who is giving virtual pokes to their significant others as these virtual pokes can lead to physical poking. Wieners run rampant and erect in this environment it seems.

Partying has been transformed due to the vicious social networking scourge. People cannot leave home without first posing to take a picture and post it to Facebook as they pull off from in front their homes whilst tweeting “off to the club to get shankle.” Females must take the token bathroom shots and males must pose with Corky-esque finger signs and drink in hands. You are no longer free to place a female in a 6:30 like daggering pose or risk having it posted on the Internet before the second “juck” has been delivered. Courts, Digicel and Lime are struggling to keep up with the demands for smart phones to feed the hunger to stay in touch with tweets and Facebook postings.

As I finish type these lines I have plans to send a link to my Facebook and to tweet for my followers to see the link. However I’m a level 2 or 3 social network addict so I will not let my soldier rise for a task and then send him back to sleep singing the blues. When you spend too much time farming or tweeting someone else may be raising a cock on your watch and finishing what Weiner started.

Can't Have it Both Ways

This will be short and to the point and even a little bit disjointed but it must be said. I have discovered who the most confused and miserable people on the planet are. They claim to stand for 1 thing but when they act many times they reflect a totally different being. They are loud and adamant that their cause deserves much better treatment yet they do not want to do the work for this. These hypocrites of all hypocrites are those beings known as feminist.

Feminist fight for equality and for equal recognition for women yet they will not admit it but they want to benefit from the weaker gender treatment that has been passed down from generation to generation. If two candidates go for the same job with the same qualifications and the male is hired we are bombarded with claims of gender bias and subjugation. Yet if the male is not hired we would never hear that he was picked on. Despite these happenings we are still expected to open doors, lift heavy items and protect the ladies in our lives from harm.

My qualm is now if you want to be treated equally then do equal work. Lift that divan up the stairs, kill the cockroaches yourself or open the door let me in. I think it is only fair that you do such since you want to be treated equally. Further to the point do not bother me to mow the lawn or clean the grease trap. However in this feminist world these tasks are seen as manly task and not for females. To you I say make your mind up. Nothing can be seen as female or male biased if we are supposed to be equal.

So make your mind up for the sake of rationality(which seems to be lacking where ever feminist are involved) and either let us share jobs equally and I will do all the lifting etc and you the softer task or you do everything for yourself and don’t call me for any help.

Judge a Book by The Cover

I was skimming through the news and came across this article. Main facts of it are that many ladies in North America are offended by a comment made by a police chief where he states that he wishes women would stop dressing like sluts so as to help cut down on the number of rapes. His position seems to be that when you dress a certain way you attract attention including that of those who may rape. Full details on the protest can be found in the link below. What I am looking to touch on today is the belief that sluts dress a certain way.

full story here

In the context of the article and in general speaking terms calling a lady a slut is a derogatory way of inferring or downright calling her promiscuous and lacking much moral fiber. It then seemingly links in the officer’s views dressing provocatively with engaging in promiscuous behaviors. In my limited time here on this planet is has come to my observation that you can’t judge a book by its cover or in this case lady by her clothing. I will not dispute that certain dress codes are associated with certain behaviors and certain personalities but this is not an absolute fact. Many conservatively dressed ladies have partaken in behaviors way below that of the stereotypical “sluts.”

Many females who may dress scantily and dance provocatively from 6:30 onward are in fact not promiscuous. Many have one partner that they have been committed to for years. Meanwhile we look up to many professional ladies in their attire and mannerisms when in fact these ladies engage a rotation policy that would make the WICB shake their heads. These same professional ladies look down through their Louis Vuitton glasses on the other ladies whose only difference is that they do their acts behind closed doors. Many take the old saying of a lady in the streets and a freak in the sheets fully to heart. The only issue is they are doing it repeatedly with every person who gives them a little time and attention.

I say all this to say that unless we are changing the standard definition of the word to mean a lady who dresses a certain way that we need to stop stereotyping due to dress. The lady in the short skirt with her breast 2 jiggles away from jumping out may be the best wife a gentleman can have due to her loyalty and commitment to her boo whilst the lady sitting over there in her cubicle with a skirt 2cm above a library assistant’s may be the easiest sex to acquire for any living being.

What you see isn't what you get

When I was younger I read a book called The Rules of Work. In this book a chapter was dedicated to dressing and one of the things it stated was not to drop your guard because you never know just who might see you when you do. This I something that rings true to me from this book but not only with how you dress but how you act in everything you may do. Unfortunately for many of us seeing our behaviours from an outside perspective is not as simple as critiquing our attire standing in front of a mirror. Many times we may enter situations with the best of intentions but our approach to it may send of warning signs to others. Other times we are too close to a situation to see how it looks to others.

I have a relatively high number of female friends and this is something in my younger days I could not understand why it was such a big deal. I was a very active person involved in plethora of organizations and sports so by extension I met a lot of people and also by extension females. However with age I’ve come to realize that especially situations where I may be involved with someone that this gives off the wrong impression to others. In society it is seen as an unlikely situation for platonic relationships between members of the opposite sex. Even though I may know that my intentions and actions were pure to others it may not appear this way and may even cause drama to my significant other.

Don’t get me wrong I’m not saying that males and females who are friends should end their relationships to please society. What I am saying is that in situations especially where other emotions may be involved that we should seek to make all interactions clear. Picture me and a lady spending extensive amounts of time together and in situations alone, sometimes at the other person’s house. We may do nothing more than enjoy the company and conversation of the other party but to the world two individuals going out on “dates” and spending time alone is not conducive to nonsexual relationships. For a single person this may not be too big of a deal but those involved with other people at any stage may need to realize how lunch together every day may look to the average person.

If you extend your hand and grab the first thing you touch and place it as close to your face without putting it in your eye can you properly describe it? Due to the proximity of the object I’m willing to bet that if it wasn’t something that you were aware of you may be unable to tell me what it actually is. I'm willing to bet that as you pull it away from your face that then you can fully tell what it is and give a clear description. This is what happens with life and our actions. We may be so close to the situation that we don’t see how our actions may look to others.

The actions I’m speaking about aren’t limited to inter-gender relationships. In everything we do especially in this day and age where Facebook is being updated with pictures at the same time the DJ is selecting what song to play next we have to be mindful of how every little thing we do can be seen. Studies have shown that a growing number of organizations are screening employees using social media. It would be a shame if you lose that dream job due to that funny picture of you. Similarly it would be a shame if you lose your job for tweeting about your boss being a bastard.

I am in no way telling anyone to live for the approval of others. I would be a hypocrite if I ever said such a thing. I was once that person who did stuff just to annoy and contradict people. What I am saying is in this world today we need to think before we act because we may be sending a message contraindicating to what we are trying to do.

Intelligent vs Educated

Freundel Stuart has a degree.

From the time I was a youngster I always remembered my grandmother saying “book sense ain’t common sense.” Today of all the lessons that she may have taught me I can say without an unquestionable doubt that this is an unchallengeable fact of life. I’ve also come to realise that common sense may be a much more proficient indicator of that thing we call intelligence. As it stands we look for a name followed by letters to denote a degree as an indicator of intelligence. I’m a believer that a degree does nothing to indicate how intelligent someone is.

Take a look at some of the most revered and idolized minds in history. Vincent van Gogh, Albert Einstein, George Washington, Sir Isaac Newton, Ted Turner, Walt Disney, Bill Gates and a never ending list of other individuals were not stand out students or were considered slow or failures early in life. Some of these were dyslexic and it is believed that others may have had ADD/ADHD and as such were unable to grasp concepts the way most others were. Yet these are amongst the greatest media moguls, computer giants, artist, leader, scientist and inventors in history.

Today to be considered intelligent you need to excel in the stereotypical academic fields and go on to work in an office or be a doctor or lawyer. To ascertain success in these fields you need to get a few certificates and a degree or two to show you are superior mentally to others. However, to me, these degrees more often than not just prove that you are capable of regurgitating and nothing more. They are many persons out there today with a degree whom cannot cope with anything outside the prescribed norm because they have not developed the ability to think for themselves. In short if it does not fall under the A+B=C rule then it must be incorrect. Also there are many of us who don’t care for the relationship between mass and acceleration or the effects of acids on litmus paper but this makes us stupid in the stereotypical eyes. The love for jobs outside the office, medicinal or law worlds is unheard of and should be left for the unintelligent.

To me true intelligence falls in the ability to think for you even if it means challenging the status quo and doing daring to be different. In the past they said that the earth was flat and the scientist, cartographers and explorers who discussed this were thought to be intelligent and the best in their fields. Then along came some weirdos even before the time of Galileo that dare to say that the earth was round and revolved around the sun and that it wasn’t in a fixed location as was common belief. These men refused to swallow what was fed to them as facts and instead examined and challenged the world for themselves.

There are some of us out there who if our lecturers had taught us that the sky was green and the grass blue would sit and repeat this in an exam even if it challenged our beliefs. We would have passed this course and gone out into the world believing that the sky is green and the grass is blue but we would have our degrees. The intellects amongst us would look up and say that there is no way the sky is green but it is in fact blue.

Again I say: Freundel Stuart has a degree.

Nothing but Mammals

Anyone between the age of 16 and 30 reading this may want to take a seat before I go any further. What I am about to say will startle and downright scare some of you. We as humans have grossly exaggerated the importance and necessity to have and partake in sexual intercourse. Sex, be it through the front door, back door or the upstairs entrance these days drives us it seems. Everywhere we turn we are bombarded by sexually related content. Many relationships are bases on the availability and quality of sexual encounters. The thirst for this special attention is not specific to one gender but we as males are, due to societal pressures, the more sexually driven beings. Females however, have a tendency of letting sex lead them to believe more emotions are involved that may be present.

Sex is in its most basic of forms is the basis for the continuation of the human species. A side effect however of sex is an extremely high sense of satisfaction when done right. It can be compared to a drug and some individuals are addicted. Much like drugs it can give you a good high or can be some cheap backyard stuff and offend more than enhance and satisfy. This side effect of excitement and fulfillment has led to sex being turned into merely a process of inserting penis into vagina to reach a climax. For some this climax may take a while to be achieved whilst for others Usain Bolt might be left wondering if such speed is legal. Depending on timing and parties involved the experience can provide that euphoric feeling that is sought. The more euphoric the feeling the more repeat performances are sought.

I say sex is not that big a deal because both parties may be present but both parties do not have to be overly involved or share the benefits. In fact many stories have been told and retold of varying accounts where one party was ecstatic and the other was busy counting tiles waiting for it to end. Take for example if a male and a lady share a bed and he has an exciting dream and his parts arise. She can maneuver and fulfill herself without him waking up depending on how heavily he sleeps, or with more pleasure than if he was actively participating. The fact that many of us have mastered the art of having relations with anyone we can picture. Some lubricant and or the use of toys (batteries may or may not be needed) and these encounters may sometimes be more fulfilling that having the actual parties there.

What I’m trying to say is with sex being something that can so easily be substituted why does it seem to be that one conversation piece that always comes up? A trip through the historical garrison area and the turnover ratio of vehicles making pickups show the almost excessive desire some of us have. Please note I’m separating sex from making love because there is a big difference in the two which I would go into in a future note but as it stands most liaisons are of the sexual nature and not the love making kind. The name of love making is used to mask the fact that we are nothing but mammals seeking the side effects as opposed to the procreation purpose of sex.

I can hear some of you saying that I must be insane because sex is nice and it is required and we as humans can’t live without it. We can’t live without air or we can’t live without water or food. Sex is not needed if not the removal of it from our lives would mean certain death. Right now some of you reading this would have forgotten the feeling of sex and some of us never experienced it but as we all sit here reading this piece we are all alive aren’t we? Unless zombies are reading this article I dare say sex is not required

The Unpolished Hoe

Prostitution is merely a relationship where everything is expressed before hand and the timeline is short and predetermined.

No people I have not gone insane, at least not to my knowledge. Neither am I serving to trivialize the sanctity of love and honest relationships. What I am saying is that relationships share many similarities to prostitution. Both call for the exchange of something for something. Prostitution is the most basic of the transactions because you know the quantity and duration of the quantities of everything that is being exchanged. In a relationship we exchange time, company, finances or intimate relations. Usually it is a combination of the above with proportions not necessarily being fixed.

In the most basic sense relationships and prostitution are barter systems. In most places it is not the act of prostitution that is illegal but the act of soliciting. I may be wrong but to me this says that if I am a regular customer and I know Jezebel by name and I know her rates that I can drive up to her have her get into my vehicle, drive off and take care of our exchange in private without any legal repercussions because we didn’t engage in any negotiations. Prostitution is like a going to the market to negotiate for some fish. You discuss the price per type of fish and decide if it is worth it.

Male to female relationships be they marital, extra-marital or merely courtship type relationships involve exchanges. There is the surrender of time; some parties give up sex to satisfy the other party. Money and having a listening ear, washing laundry, cooking, picking up after, providing someone to spend time with to beat the loneliness or sex may be the tools of barter. The differentiation now comes in the time span. Marriage is generally expected to be forever but this has been shown to change. Someone can go outside the agreement, people change and drift or someone can die. Normal relationships between two parties fall under the same rules except that there is less expectation for length of time.

Other than time the only other difference is that prostitution is 97% of the time based on sex. Sometimes there is a weirdo who has no friends so pays for company to listen to him speak or spank him with a paddle. Other relationship may include exchanges of duties. I cook whilst you mop and we share the laundry duties, is one example of such exchange. The amount of variables that can be exchanged are innumerable and are usually not stated. I don’t come out and say I want you to cure my loneliness and in return I’m have sex with you and buy you nice things and take you to dinner. In prostitution I come right out and say I have $60 what can I have?

With these fact outlined it is easy to see that I am not that farfetched in my basic interpretation. Whilst most of us reading this may prefer to engage in the uncertainty of the normal relationship there are some people out there who would prefer to have it short and to the point.

Represent for Your True Friends

If I asked you how many true friends do you have what would you say? I’m now willing to bet that those of you who are in double digits would be shocked and surprised that the actual figure of real friends that you have is about quarter of what you stated. I will admit that a quarter is a bit of a stretch for some people but I am quite sure that for some it may be accurate or even an overstatement. As the old cliché goes a friend in need is a friend indeed and what we need to see is what being there truly means.

Some of us may say that Person A is a friend because when we were down and out they had our backs and they lent you certain things and they allowed you to express yourself and you can be you around them and they support what you do. I agree totally that this is a good example of what a friend is. What I however would like to say is that these traits are just a fraction of what a true friend would do. So how would I define a true friend I can hear you asking and I say to you let both of you be at a position of need at the same point and we will see who your true friends are.

The statement I just made to some may be a bit confusing but let me try expanding on it. Your mother died a few months ago and it affected you greatly. You are still mourning on the inside and the slightest little thing affects you. Friend A and Friend B were with you throughout the entire ordeal. Friend A and Friend B both have personal drama at the same time and they both turn to you. You want nothing more than to be there for them both but at the same time you are still battling your own personal demons so you ask for a little bit longer to pull yourself together so you can be the friend they need. Friend A reacts that you are a selfish self centred person whilst Friend B, even if hurt, understands you have your issues and lets you know that despite their hard times you two can lean on each other to help pull through.

It doesn’t even have to be a personal situation. It manifests itself a lot with regards to material possessions or even something as simple as time. New romances are usually the point in which fake and real friends show themselves. When you are all caught up in the whirlwind of young love you sometimes become so engrossed that you cut down on or cut out fully on time spent with friends. A true friend is the one who will be supportive and understand why and be happy you are happy, once you aren’t being a extra clingy suicidally dependant being. The fake ones usually protest about how your behavior has change and how you no longer have time for them. At this point I want you to stop and think for a moment. Is there someone in your life that you can go days, week, months or years without speaking to and when you see each other the comfort and conversation level would make the bystander think you lived together daily? Then I dare say this person might just be a true friend to you.

True friends are a rarity in this world and or not to be confused with fair-weather friends. Someone helping you when you both are in ideal situations is just the beginning of a true friendship. Will that person be there after you have disagreed on subject matters, when you call them at 4am because you got dumped, will they be able to understand when you can’t be there for them due to your own drama? These plus other immeasurable factors will show your true friends to you. I’m just worried that many of us will never get to find out who those people are.

To those of you who are my true friends I'm thankful to have you

Think for yourself

Most people won't agree with this blog but that's your opinion and i'm happy if you have one.Lil Rick sang a song and put a political party into power. Oprah endorsed Obama and he beat the odds. These events show how strong the power of group think is.

Remember as a child when we read the story of The Emperor’s New Clothes? I’m sure many of us may have thought how stupid these people were for going along with the emperor and not stating that they can’t see the clothes. Yet when the little boy stated the obvious everyone was then more than willing to acknowledge the nakedness of the empire. I’m here to say that today the majority of us are acting like the masses instead of being willing to be the little boy. When asked during an interview about his theatrical antics and unique and sexual lyrics Adidja Palmer known as Vybz Kartel simply stated that the people are his sheep and he is the shepherd.

A quick survey of Facebook and what the people have posted will also show this. Daily I’m faced with posting of Babbzy’s Cuntery at Large, Bajan Fari and the entire Santana series with great reviews about the hilarity of them. People of all cross sections of society are on this bandwagon and are quick to forward and repost them for all to see. Those who are not fans are afraid to step out and say that they disagree. That was so until today when I will say Babbzy’s title is very suiting because it describes what her and the other videos in my opinion are. Before those of you who are fans look to attack me notice that I said that it was my opinion. I am not saying my opinion is correct, neither am I saying that it is wrong for many others to find it funny. What I am putting forward is that some people find it funny because the masses do.

Music, fashion, food and even radio stations. In this Mixx we are in Love with The One that is now too Hott to Slam. Let another station pop up with a few choice personalities and reviews from the right people and we will be looking for something new to listen to. As males we all wore big the pants with the large bottoms and I remember when Trinity Chris had one of the biggest dancehall hits with Bun A Tight Pants , now let that song play in a party atmosphere and the younger generation would be in tremendous disagreement since nothing but tight pants are being worn. In fact it seems that all we need to do is write a song about it, have some people model it in the videos and sit back and watch every Tom, Dick and Johnny follow pattern. I’m willing to bet if I can get the right person to post this blog and say it speaks the truth that my reader list quadruples by weekend.

I don’t expect many people to agree with me for I have unpopular taste. I think Kelly Rowlands and on some days Latoya Luckett were the best looking members of Beyonce and Friends or as they were commonly known Destiny’s Child. I would rather listen to Alicia Keys, Kerli, Chrissette Michelle or Jill Scott than a Beyonce song but the last time i said this out loud i was attacked and ostracized for being an opinionated bigot. What I’m saying is the amount of passionate agreement on trending topics makes it hard for me to believe the authenticity of the views. I dare say if I can get Rihanna to sing a song about looking sexy in her pink lace panty that sales for those underwear will go through the roof. These days it seems that revolutionaries are dead. No one is willing to think for themselves and those who do are afraid to speak out about them less they be excluded from the meetings of those who are cool.

The old cliché goes we were all born originals why die copies? It is so sad these days that those who do stand out like the Gagas and Rihannas have become the blueprints for mass production of Mr. Palmer’s sheep theory's victims. All I'm saying is like what you like but like it because you like it not because you are supposed to.

Knowledge is Power

camouflaged Torahs, Bibles and glorious Qur'an
the books that take you to heaven and let you meet the Lord there
have become misinterpreted, reasons for warfare
we read 'em with blind eyes I guarantee you there's more there-
Lupe Fiasco- America Terrorist

Hmmm?

Now I’m no theological genius but from what I understand of various religions stealing and killing are wrong and you should seek to be kind to your fellow man for the benefit of all is basically something that stretches across the majority if not all. Those of us who may pray may direct these prayers to different beings but be it Buddha, Allah, Jesus or Yahweh we are all calling on that which we believe to be the giver of life and all blessings and the most powerful being in our universe. Similarly the Bible and the Qur'an list the same 10 commandments and the Torah list them too but in many subdivided forms. All the basic teaches are the same and lead us to honour and respect the one God we worship and honour and respect our fellow beings by being honest(not bearing false witness), not stealing, not killing and respect(not coveting or committing adultery).

With all these similarities it amazes me the amount of religious bigotry that exist the world over. The amount of people who exhibit negative views towards the other because they don’t believe what they believe is astounding. A lot of it is due to ignorance and laziness in the sense of seeking out an understanding of the other person. Some of it is also due to small minded ignorance as was the case with one situation I heard about where “Christian” performers made derogatory comments towards another religion holding of cows as sacred beings. The performers stated that they ate the other person’s idols for lunch so how powerful can their god be? This shows a gross level of stupidity and lack of respect for your fellow man, which is something I don’t see as being Christian behaviour.

I’m a believer in God and Jesus and despite failing would say I’m a Christian of sorts but if I stop and think I may wonder with so much in science going on how can I believe in stories from a book about a 1 Being just saying all the complexities of my universe into being; but yet I do. I was not there to say if Joseph Smith Jr was gifted with visions or a visit from beings and directed to golden scrolls that only he has ever seen but yet an entire religion is based on this. Some believe that if they die for their beliefs in fighting the non-believers that they will be blessed with a bounty of virgins. Others believe that only 144,000 of us will make it to Heaven in the hour of reckoning. All these are in fact if you sit objectively and look at them all beliefs that no hardcore evidence can be brought forth to support and can be seen as “silly” by a person of other beliefs, but by which billions of us live our lives daily.

Would it not be disappointing if after all this that we found out that when you die that nothing more happens than you becoming fertilizer and worm food? Suppose your religion was the one that is incorrect would you prefer to go to a version of hell because you called the Supreme Being nonsense, even if you spent your entire life being a model human being? Would it not be better to live our lives as closely to the rulings of the God we follow and be good to each other so that should we be judged on our passing we be judged as good humans regardless of who or what we follow. I would hate to believe that a person who from birth was educated to follow 1 religion and lived as an exemplary being would be cast to hell because he never knew he was calling The Power That Be by the wrong name since that was all they were exposed to.

Here is a scripture from Christianity promoting respect and nonjudgmental behavior. This is a similar piece from the Quran. So why with all these similarities do we still fight each other? The ability to show respect for views not our own would make the world so much more peaceful.

The True Source of Power

I would like to put forward this scenario to the world. As we all seek to see the USA not get involved in so many wars what if tonight as they laid in bed Michelle Obama whispers in Barrack Obama’s ears “honey, it’s time we bring all the troops home.” I’m willing to wager that pretty soon American soldiers will be busy painting road signs rather than bombing anyone all because the true power of the world lies in the power women hold over men. From the first male to all of you currently reading this have in some way or the other has been influenced by the power that females hold over us.

Realistically speaking humans are a sexual driven species and as such much of what we are motivated to achieve is driven by the need to secure that special partner for life or in some cases for the night. We as males are exceptionally driven and motivated by the need for sex. Women seek education, a better body, a good job all to be better than the next lady. If a woman is single she will cry down a married woman because she is not as good as she is but some man got her. Much like a peacock parading around with his tail open many of us as men do some of everything to get a woman and some night time company. Fancy car, gym, good job and even education are all to impress and get that special lady or ladies as the case may be.

Our great-grandfathers travelled the length and breadth of this country by bus, bicycle and donkey cart for those special women in their lives. Some sat outside after these long journeys because the lady’s mother or father didn’t allow them inside the house. Adam existed all happily and peacefully in the Garden of Eden by himself till he got lonely and asked for company. He got what he wished for and then got kicked out over the things he did for love. David sent Bathsheba’s husband out to war for his chance at love. A few of you may be lost as to this story but details can be found here. Endless cases can be seen of the things men have done to make a woman happy.

Let any male fall short of providing a lady with the things she desire and the legs are crossed. Robbed of what they perceive as the nectar of life many males will forsake their entire salary to keep them happy. This is a power than many women know and understand and has seen some climb rapidly through socio-economic ranks. Many committed gentleman can come and go as they please happily once the lady of the house permits it. With all these facts it is clear to see that the power lies in who wears the pants, only thing it is who wears the pants suit.

One Good Thing About Music

This was not the original topic of the blog I wanted to write today but as I was gathering my thought I came across the below picture on BBC and I am now totally confused and wondering if I can lie about my age to get away from this shame. Whilst looking at some photos on BBC I happen to stumble across a picture similar to this and it hit me that we will be remembered as the era that made Lady Gaga, Soulja Boy and numerous other singers of intellectually destructive drivel famous.

At the turn of the century music was at a high point in every genre for me. Miseducation of Lauryn Hill ended off the millennium and quickly after we had the emergence of the likes of Alicia Keys. Outkast, Ludacris and Marshall Mathers were tearing up the hip hop scene. Edwin Yearwood, Krosfyah, Square 1 and Rupee were flying the flag big for Bajan Soca worldwide. Beanie and Bounty were going at in the war for Dancehall supremacy. Fast forward a decade and what do we have now? Many of the same old artist are still making money on the charts but now we are faced with a proliferation of 808’s and catch phrases mixed in with some nauseating auto-tuned drivel.

If we take a trip back in time to our great-grandparent’s era or even our grandparent’s I can understand why they reproduced in such high volume. They had no Facebook, Twitter or Myspace to spend time on. The television shows were very selective but the final factor was the fact that the lyrics in the music were so smooth and nice that it made you want to cuddle by that kerosene oil lamp light and procreate. Sexual Healing from Marvin Gay is one example of such a song and the era was filled with these lyrically sound songs from the likes of Mr. Gaye, The Temptations, The Drifters etc. If a man stepped out of line women had several anthems in songs such as Hit The Road Jack or R-E-S-P-E-C-T. Now a days we have songs like Irreplaceable by Beyonce which sounds like Mapquest had a malfunction and is just repeating the same directions over and over again. Love songs are now down to the likes of Trey Songs who next to the old school geniuses couldn’t get the ocean moist.

It pains me to think that my children will someday google the number 1 hits from around this era and I will be left to explain why it was cool to “Superman a Ho” or why should ladies “back it up like a dumpa truck.” How will I ever explain why Paula left and why was Contone refusing to let her dress go? I pray that they never ask me to explain who was this being called Lady Gaga and why was she born this way. It seems that the only way I will escape this is by never letting them hear any music from this era because these are the lazy artist that will define us. Live bands are dead, singing talent replaced with auto-tune, lyrics replaced with a catchphrase barely audible over the loud bass in the beat.

Sadly when our children ask us to explain why they can’t be “pretty like a colouring book” it will be our faults as we are the ones happy to support the artist and not demand more for out money, or in some cases bandwidth. I’m just going to hope that I can expose my offspring to some “proper” music before they are exposed to the Gaga’s and Soulja boys of their time so that I do not have to watch them crank it or watch them roll

Explain this to your child
Or even this one
What the hell is this?

You May Be an Ass but I Still Like You

I am a hypocrite and so are you and I believe I can prove it. Before you read this I want you to take a few minutes to find a mirror and look at it. I’m not asking you to look at the surface reflection but try to see beneath the façade that the mercury can only show. When you have managed to do this I want you to consider if this person that you see is the person that all around you see as well. Will the lady you buy breakfast from give the same opinion as the guy who sits in the cubicle next to you? If you can answer this with a yes then you are in my opinion in what is becoming a minority on this little planet where undiagnosed schizophrenia is becoming the norm.

Sunday morning we wake up and head off to church. This is of course after taking a bath to wash the smell of the rum and pre-marital sex off us. While the pastor speaks we try to stay awake and focus as well as the hangover would let us. We then make our way home whilst singing along to Rick Dees and inserting the unedited lyrics of the songs. The same songs that encourage everything we just rebuked in church but that were making our previous night’s escapades all the more fun. Now everyone is not this extreme in their hypocrisy but it is a common enough occurrence.There is a cliché that goes I’d rather be friends with a thief than a liar and this is for a good reason I believe. If someone is a thief you know what they stand for and what to expect; with a liar you can never know what is true from what is false.

In this day and age the majority of humans are liars and much like how the taxi men in town switch accents on and off to attract tourist, we switch personalities on and off. As I type this I can hear someone in my background speaking of God’s will and his might and I’m stumped. This is someone who has shown us videos he took of women washing clothes naked in St. Vincent, someone who has been seen in night clubs repeatedly and someone who is an avid fan of Spartacus (which probably stands for everything unChristianly possible).

I’m not calling myself better than this person nor am I trying to Judge them for that’s the job of a higher power. What I’m disturbed about is how easily we all can be like that these days and yet still throw stones from the porches of our glasshouses. I am neither ignoring the fact that sometimes you must adjust your personality to suit certain settings and occasions. What I’m speaking about is being true to yourself and honest with all those around you. I may not personally believe in homosexuality but I would rather any person around me who is gay be open about it and not pretend to be in agreement with me when I make ungentlemanly comments about a lady and her leggings. I’d rather any friends of mine who may read my blogs come to me and say that I wrote nonsense than to encourage me just to be polite. I’d rather my government tells me I'm in for a rough time than to trick me and then hit me with a ton of new taxes.

Being true to you may scare people because we then worry about what others may think. To this in closing I will ask this question for you to consider: do you want friends who like you because of what you appear to be or do you want them to like you because of who you are? I can honestly say I know who most of my true friends are these days because they accept me for the opinionated, stubborn, asinine person I can be at times and I want to let them know I love them for accepting me.

No 1 Likes a Showoff

When it comes to love I would like to see myself as a diehard romantic. I do all the little cliché things that a man in love is supposed to do and then I add a little more zest and zing to the pot for some personalized flair. I’m always happy to see or hear about truelove and see people happy together. However, I thoroughly despise those couples who are nauseating with their affections. In the age of online “friendsing” where everyone and their grandmother is on Facebook, Twitter, Myspace and a thousand different ways to politely malicious in other people’s lives it is very easy for couples to become nauseating.

I’m sure we all know a nauseating couple. The type who live together but still pollute your online news feeds with random messages to each other professing how much they love each other, the type who must put up a status every ¼ of an hour reminding the world how much in love they are or how awesome their partner is, or the type that when you do see them in person the only time they aren’t attached to their significant other is when they go to use the washroom and they then spend this time telling you about how sweet wonderful their partners are. It’s those couples who no longer are individuals but rather “we” and “us.” It’s these couples who we are all secretly happy when their relationship fails.

Yes I said it and I know a lot of you are the same but are just ashamed to admit it. It’s simply the fact that just like in sports no one likes a showoff. I think it should be noted that for the most part that these couples are usually made up of one or both parties being average to ordinary looking and/or possessing insecurities. This then leads to them doing the one thing that is equally as bad as not putting in and that is putting in too much effort. Too far left will always take you right. So whilst the couples are happy to share their love and joy with the world it has a small tendency of being over bearing and alienating to all around, especially the single and lonely ones in the group.

Now I’m not saying not to show your love and affection but I’m asking you to be realistic and to know when and where because let’s face it you probably will get dumped or horn anyways due to your insecurities so don’t alienate those who have to support you when it goes south. Similarly some people may not have been as lucky as you to find someone so there is no need to remind them that they are lonely. Remember that no one likes a show off.

Thank you Granny

I’m starting a survey and appealing for your assistance in getting it passed as a law. It is my belief that we need to start doing 1 of 2 things. We either need to surgically prevent people from procreating unless they pass an I.Q. test or we need to start punishing parents for failing their children a tad bit more. Since the first method is sure to annoy Amnesty International, I suppose we are stuck with the second method.

I had the pleasure of being a granny’s boy. When I was younger I hated it because I had to be inside by the time the sun set. I also couldn’t dare to use certain words or speak in certain tones within ear shot of granny because of the consequences to follow. Up to this day I answer people yes please because failure to do so may have resulted in my face and her hands becoming friendly. If I was scolded at school I dare not report it to granny because you can be sure I was going to get double the punishment.

These days there are children of primary school age roaming the streets at hours I am still reluctant to at my age. These children also possess a vocabulary that could make the foulest of pirates drop their jaws in shock and awe. Furthermore if you are brave enough to enquire as to why they are out at such an hour they will happily tell you about their NC-17 interactions with your maternal relations. This relationship will be further highlighted should you seek to report this behavior to the parents of these delinquents. Teachers now shiver at the thought of punishing some children in fear of having the parents visit the school to exact revenge.

Now I’m not saying that a child who is kept inside at an appropriate time will turn out to be a moral pillar of society. I’m merely saying that in reality there must be better odds of these ones being more productive in society. I whole hearted admit that there are some Satan spawns that despite whatever a parent does seem destined to single-handedly bring about the apocalypse. What I am saying is a parent has a duty and responsibility to a child and plays a very key role in setting standards and guidelines for a child. When we go out into the world we will be faced with several influences both negative and positive. Should we really expose a child to negative both at home and at school?

I say when teachers notice problem children in the class they should report them to a special parenting board. If this board finds that the parents’ negative conduct is a definite factor then the parent should face the consequences. Harsh fines may be the only amnesty allowed treatment but I have a few others I’d like to see implemented. The fines can also be coupled with a good castration but we strive to stay in amnesty’s good books so that might not work out either.

Some boys will never be men

I’m at a point in my life where I am almost embarrassed to be a male. When we are children we act as children but when we become men we should depart from childish ways to paraphrase an old saying is s true and simple rule to live by. Yet age is but a number for reference purposes with a lot of males today. The cycle is destined to continue because a woman or a boy can never teach a male to be a man. As a boy you play with toys and as a man you take care of your priorities.

I was always taught that you don’t do the crime unless you can do the time. At my size I know I can’t handle prison so I won’t be doing anything close to illegal. The same should apply to other aspects of life. If you are “man” enough to partake in “man” activities then you should be man enough to take care of anything that comes out of them. A drive on the South Coast in the vicinity of the Court House in charge of the judging on Child Support cases and the large number of vehicles around it constantly is disturbing. The value of the car and its accessories is also disturbing as these gentlemen are frequently heard complaining about not being able to afford maintenance cost for their offspring.

Denying that the child is theirs because the mother is “easy” or refusing to give money for maintenance because they won’t be helping the “useless” mother or that the “worthless” woman going to spend it on herself are all excuses I’ve heard but let’s be honest with ourselves; she didn’t suddenly become easy, useless or worthless over night. She was the same way when you slept with her. So what makes her any different now? She was more than good enough for you to be involved in without protection so why has her stock’s value suddenly dropped?

The other popular excuse is the fact that you may already be paying child support for 1 or more other children from other females. Again I’m pretty sure that the other children didn’t all pop out at the same times even though I do know of some people who were in the same class as their half brother or sister. So you know you are in a position where your pockets are thinned already and you still go about engaging in the activities to make more? Even in the rare cases where you have more than 1 lady blooming at the same time you should be man enough to know you can’t go unprotected into both if any.

I’m not saying that the women are not to blame somewhat in these matters for they are just as guilty as the man in making bad selection choices regarding who shares your bed. Some women also use their children as a means of spiting estranged males in their lives. These females are a special case not touched in this blog.
In closing it’s quite simple, if you can be a man and can do the deed please be man enough to take care of the results of you planting your seed. When you do this what image are you giving to your sons and daughters of males? The child didn’t ask to be here.

Only Men know What True Love Is

Men are the only gender that feels true love. Women merely experience it. When a man loves a woman he honestly loves her. Women have the ability to love the idea of a man or what he stands for. Women are raised either consciously or sub-consciously to search for the Prince Charming/Knight in shining Armor type of love. This leads to many women being fooled to believe that they are in love and to even give up when they realize they aren’t. This is why only males are capable of feeling true love.

Even with all this convenient talk of equality the male is supposed to be the stronger and more dominant one. When a man finds love, true love not this television panties off on first date nonsense, he gives up being dominant. His dominance is a façade to the hiding of the fact that he is bending to the female’s whims and fancies or that his efforts are now to please her. Guy night becomes allowable when the lady approves of it, clothes she doesn’t like are thrown away, the house is decorated to suit her taste and the boxer drawer starts to have 3 ½ panties for every 1 boxer in it. Women gain a larger amount from “love.” They are wined and dined; all their wishes are catered to as males seek to win them over.

I’m not saying that women don’t give up any of themselves to be with a man but I dare say in love and romance that most women can be predicted. There seems to be some set guidelines or holy grail passed down from 1 female to the next for how to behave when you meet a nice gentleman. It outlines what makes a man a good man be it financially, physically or emotionally and how to treat them depending on category. In the event that you say to a lady that her significant other is ugly you are usually met by a he’s sweet or he treats me right (emotionally good); or he takes care of me (financially good). Tell a man his girl is ugly he’ll either ignore you, agree but reassert that he loves her or look to fight with you for attacking the love of his life. This is true even if he knows deep down inside that she resembles Roberts of the Christmas Song variety.

This can be seen even more so in when love hurts, some men seek to take lives. This is due to the fact that without this person he is now heartless and basically dead. When some women “love” a man and he hurts her she looks to damage his vehicle, hate on the new lady or slander his name. This is because she is losing her “good man” and it reflects badly on her self-esteem and self image so the outward projection makes her go after all the possessions he may value over her. The man loves the being whilst the ladies love the idea.

This is why I say men feel true love whilst women experience it. A man loves from the heart and is free from logic. Women even if their actions seem irrational are acting on theoretical concepts.

This 1 is For The Ladies

These economic times are hard and every little dollar we can save is essential. Ladies I am here to save you a lot of money, get your boyfriend to knag you less and save a heap of time getting ready for any outing. I will do this for you by allowing you to realize one simple fact that many of you already know but fail to admit. You are not dressing up for us most times, most times you are doing it for yourself and other females. All the mascara, all the time in the salon, all those extra sexy outfits are not for us as you claim; they are for you. I can hear the cursing bubbling up as you seek to rip a new one in me for such an arrogant and asinine comment but I can prove to you that I speak the truth and this will help you.

I’ve been lucky or unlucky depending on how you care to see it to grow up around a lot of women. I was the oldest male in the house from an early age and my mother was and still is the kind of lady who would probably be caught dead before she is caught out of style. I’m also in a position where a few of my closest friends are pageant contestants and winners. With these factors surrounding me I can honestly say that I notice more than most heterosexual males when it comes to females and how they dress. This is why I can honestly say that females only dress for females and use males as an excuse for this catfight and self-ego stroking.

Acrylic nails, elaborate hairstyle with or without weave, shoes that match a belt that matches a purse, a dress with subtle undertones are honestly wasted on us.Once a female is pretty she is by default pretty no matter what she wears. If your man has the ability to automatically notice that your nails have on palm trees as opposed to a rising sun then you may not have lost your favorite underwear in the washer. Similarly most males see in 32 bit the most as opposed to 128bit like most females. This means we have no idea what teal or salmon red or cayenne green really are. These are little intricacies that only females will notice these things on you.

In life more is not always better and honesty is always the best policy. I say this to say a guy would rather go to bed with average Jane and wake up with average Jane that to go to sleep with sexy Michelle and wake up with ordinary Melissa. How is this possible? When you wear makeup, a push up bra, a padded panty and high heels it is. Females go through all this self alteration and massacre and more times than not the prettiest lady in a party is the makeup free lady with a nice jeans and t-shirt on and her hair just hanging naturally, back in one or plaited neatly. When this lady receives attention and praise from the guys this hurts the females more as they cannot understand why after all their efforts would males chase after this plain Jane. Honesty is always best and with plain Jane we know what we are getting; not to mention we know we’ll be saving some money on maintenance fees.

It is females you will hear commenting on hairstyles, nail jobs, non matching accessories or lack of accessories. When a male says a lady looks good he is not considering that her purse doesn’t match her belt, they are generally saying that her face, her body or both are aesthetically pleasing. When a female says a lady looks bad it can be anything from aesthetics to the fact she is using 2B instead of 2A hair. So if you are really trying to look good for a male you should think like a male and not a female.

So in closing instead of spending all that money and time following fashions and doing what a magazine tells you is sexy and a way to attract a male just be yourself. Wear what suits you, find a hairstyle that works and you can do at home in quick time ad makeup is to accentuate not transform. You may attract a man who loves you for your entirety.

I'm Taking Way Somebody's Woman

I am here to announce that I will no longer be engaging in monogamy. In fact I will not be committing to any relationship what so ever. I am now going to be the official Joe Grind more commonly known as the “horner man.” For those of you confused by the vernacular the horner man is the male equivalent of the “side piece.” The “outside thing” is the ideal situation for this day and age and I will seek to become the best outside man in history.

When you are committed to someone you are “required” by the International Board of Appropriate Relationship Standards and Behaviours to spend some sort of cuddle time with your partner. Cuddle time includes any form of time together not having sex, time spent on the phone where your partner has at least 75% of your attention or for couples doing distance Skype or at the lowest level MSN conversations. In this sense the term Skype covers all webcam based conversations in their definition and can include those conversations where you speak and act to reach maximal physical fulfillment with the use of hands or battery operated devices. As the side piece these are not required. The Society of Horners and Side Pieces state clearly that no time can be requested outside of that given by the party with an inside partner. This means no calls asking why you haven’t been called or asking why you only hear them when sex is wanted. You are merely the substitute to make up for any short comings the starter may have.

Anyone who has ever lived alone will also relish one of the key perks of being a proud side piece. You get the fulfillment of the most basic of human needs and you still keep your personal space for yourself. There is no hair in the sink, no underwear hanging from anywhere, no snores or no one asking why you are walking around the house in your birthday suit unless that person is you. Similarly the provision of Side Piece Appreciation Money for fulfillment of services can be used to maintain your personal space. Those who prefer to be members of the Committed and Faithful Society have to put up with these inconveniences to your personal space. Any cash received usually means that services physical or otherwise can be demanded by the provider. As a side piece you are not tied to these restrictions.

Let’s face it in this day and age with studying or working who really has the time to sit and be considerate of another person’s every whim and fancy. The side piece role allows you to live your life as you see fit and yet at any point when the fire burns in the loins below to have that itch scratched and move on with your life. No worrying about if your partner is cool with where you are or who you are with because they have to worry about that from the inside partner.
However please note that there are certain risks to being the official side piece. Some side pieces have been found to forget the basic arrangement and seek to be a starter as opposed to a bench player. They then start demanding more playing time and may even seek to jeopardize the contractual arrangement between the inside piece and the owning franchise. Some members of Sneaking Out for Maximization of

Pleasures have also been found to have issues honouring the arrangement and start trying to treat the side piece as they would the inside piece and seeking to control their freedom. The final worry is that the starting player find out about the role players playing time and seek to end it in a physical manner.

If these scenarios can be avoided there is enough circumstantial evidence to show that without a doubt being a member of Horners and Side Pieces is the way to go. You receive physical and financial fulfillment with minimum mental or emotional output. Any ladies reading this who are willing to be my franchise holder are free to send CV and a picture to my inbox for review.

Disclaimer: The previous view is for purely entertainment purposes. It was inspired by the article in the news over the weekend.

Duck Tales...oooh oooh

If not for my lack of physical size I was about to embark on the largest crime spree this little island of ours has ever seen. Fortunately, for most I’m not about to have a man’s face in my lap as I plait inside cornrows on him, and so that little foray into the dark side of my mind was quickly abandoned. However, I will admit that I really want to be a modern day Robin Hood, robbing from the ungrateful, stupid and wasteful and giving to the needy who would appreciate it.

Top of my list are the school children who have never worked a day in their lives but as you read this are Tweeting from their Blackberry about how hard their lives are and how no one understands or appreciates them. You don’t work so you aren’t contributing any taxes to the economy, yet you have a cell phone that your parents gave to you along with your PS3, Laptop, flat screen television and wardrobe over flowing with clothes. Yet you have the audacity to complain about life being hard? Since I can’t steal from them legally I would like to take them out into the fields and have them pick enough cotton to pay for their phones and everything else in the room. This figure must be the amount after Sinckler is finished with the robbery we allow. After this if they have enough energy they can then tweet about their lives being hard they can feel free to.

Up next I wanted to take aim and low to no income earners who try to live like the “Joneses.” Making $250 a week, sometimes less, but in the Salon every two weeks for an $80 hairstyle -for the guys it’s only $20 for a haircut- so that they can attend $60 shows in $200 outfits whilst wearing $150 shoes. Now I’m not saying that they are not in their rights to indulge in these small pleasures, however what bugs me is when the ones who engage in these are on their Blackberry telling friends that the children home from school cause there was no money to send them, or that a utility is off in the house. All this takes place whilst the child is outside putting oil on the rims whilst daddy tries to find a way to keep the DirecTV dish from pulling the side of the house any further down. I honestly cannot think of a punishment befitting these people because no physical pain can cure downright stupidity.

The last of my first batch of people to relieve of cash would have been the likes of Leroy Parris. Now Mr. Parris is on my list because he is an ungrateful and inconsiderate person in my humble opinion. From all legal stand points he may be owed the other $6.5m he is suing Clico for. The very same Clico that has paid him $3.5m whilst smaller policy owners are left struggling and wondering what will happy to their life savings. The same company which as head paid him a ridiculous amount of money monthly. Yet at a time when the company whom he led has thousands of small policy owners wondering about their future a man who as the old folks would say “got out licking” has the balls to step forward and demand more money at this point. I would grant him his wish but under 1 condition, he be stripped bare and every policy owner be allowed to give him at least 1 lash for every policy they have in the company. This is only fair seeing that their lost policies are what helped to pay his ridiculous salary.

Little with content is great gain, however a fool and his money are soon parted. Every man has the right to spend his or her money however they see fit, but in these current economic times you can’t be tossing it around like you are Scrooge McDuck taking swim in his money bin. The only way forward is for us to be smart and help each other and not be like Mr. Parris. My proposed methods of solution may be outlandish and lack proper thought but in these times I humbly believe we need to take a look at the stock that is our lives and manage every aspect better.